TOXIC LOVE...

“So what plans now?, A good job, decent salary, promising career, a long distance relationship with someone whom you love. What now?”, I was stargazing and nothing seemed important to me that time. “I don’t know, maybe nothing, I guess it’s back to square one”, I looked at her and she looked confused. There was silence between us, nothing except the sea shore and those gentle waves slowly caressing our feet. I closed my eyes, there seemed darkness all around me.

When I was a kid, all I dreamt of was money. I dreamt nothing except money. Years passed by and I went to college. Probably the biggest fear that time in my mind was ‘Unemployment’, What if I am not able to get placed in any of the good companies. Peer pressure and this loving society can be weird at times and difficult to handle. Specially for a teenager who was from a middle class family and saw his parents struggle. Years passed by and soon i was staring at college placements. I knew i was never good at technical things so i always knew that i won’t be going in technical field, a big factor was the packages offered as well. Non-technical domain was a territory not yet explored by my turbulent mind. I decided to try my luck in non-technical profile. Facing rejections after rejections, i was beginning to realise that probably my horrors are coming true. But yes, just like any other story, even mine had a few good moments. One such moment was finally getting placed. When i started my college journey, i had dreams of working in a good company with a decent package, little did i know that 4 years down the line and i will be compromising on my dreams. A normal job offer now was enough to bring a sigh of relief to my crumbling world. So, finally i was about to end my college life with a job and yes, my very first serious relationship! So yeah finally i did manage to woo a corporate company with my average communication skills, poker face and a girl with my below average personality and really bad sense of humour. This part of my life was surely “HAPPINESS”. It was my time to fall in love with 2 of the most unpredictable things, job and relationship. I was taking the road which i never travelled before.

An average guy like me who craved for love and attention all his life goes crazy when he gets both the things at the same time. I was falling in love deeply and madly with my job as well as my lady. Both were quite similar to each other, both were “UNPREDICTABLE”, and yes both wanted me to understand the situation. I never knew i could work dilligently and meet my targets regularly, i was able to earn more than what my counterparts were earning now and i was living my dream of aquiring a hefty amount of money. However, everything comes with a price and money is no different. Excess of anything is bad, sometimes all you think is what if this wouldn’t have happened. That constant stress and that unpredictable nature of every thing.

Sometimes, i feel as if when was the last time i saw a sunset standing in my balcony with a cup of hot coffee. When was the last time i wrote something, when was the last time i went out with my friends. When was the last time i lived my life on my own terms. Fortunate are those people who fall in love with anything, i was fortunate because i fell in love not only with my job but also with someone special of my life. However, love can be toxic too at times.

That one person, whom you love a lot but can’t have for your whole life. That one job which makes you rich but then again you can’t have it for your whole life. We often mistakenly misinterpret life lessons for love. Not everything in your life is meant to stay, not everything happens in the way you have planned. Not every person whom you love can be with you when you are crying. Yes, they can give you life lessons, they can give you memories, they can make you strong and they can actually evolve you in a better person. The biggest question is... is this pain and stress worth everything? Is this love which turned toxic worth your time? The answer is...

“If it made you smile and helped you in feeling special in a positive way then yes it is worth everything”, Don’t expect anything in return because expectations hurt when they are not met. Be brave enough to let go of things when they are nearing their end. Yes, no one can replace anyone but then again, that’s their beauty. Every dark road, will scare you for the initial few minutes but then after some time, that darkness will be the only source which will give you solace. The brightest of lights were found only after darkest of journeys... One must experience the toxicity of love in order to understand the essense of life and people.

She held my hand, there was a drop of tear trickling down her cheeks. Probably she was trying to hold back her tears. “So is it the end of everything?”, i was staring at the silent sea blankly, but now there was a smile on my face. “Not really, i will be coming back once i have fixed my career and inner demons, if you can wait till then”, i didn’t look at her because i knew she would never approve of this. There was silence between us. Probably both of us were trying to consume this night in our memories, with a hope that this incomplete story would be completed some day.

“I’ll wait for you, and thanks for making me realise that even toxic love can be beautiful...”, :)