“So
what plans now?, A good job, decent salary, promising career, a long
distance relationship with someone whom you love. What now?”, I was
stargazing and nothing seemed important to me that time. “I don’t
know, maybe nothing, I guess it’s back to square one”, I looked
at her and she looked confused. There was
silence between us, nothing except the sea shore and those gentle
waves slowly caressing our feet. I closed my eyes, there seemed
darkness all around me.
When
I was a kid, all I dreamt of was money. I dreamt nothing except
money. Years passed by and I went to college. Probably the biggest
fear that time in my mind was ‘Unemployment’,
What if I am not able to get placed in any of the good companies.
Peer pressure and this loving society can be weird at times and
difficult to handle. Specially for a
teenager who was from a middle class family and saw his parents
struggle. Years passed by and soon i was staring at college
placements. I knew i was never good at technical things so i always
knew that i won’t be going in technical field, a big factor was the
packages offered as well. Non-technical domain was a territory not
yet explored by my turbulent mind. I decided to try my luck in
non-technical profile. Facing rejections after rejections, i was
beginning to realise that probably my horrors are coming true. But
yes, just like any other story, even mine had a few good moments. One
such moment was finally getting placed. When i started
my college journey, i had dreams of working in a good company with a
decent package, little did i know that 4 years down the line and i
will be compromising on my dreams. A normal job offer now was enough
to bring a sigh of relief to my crumbling world. So, finally i was
about to end my college life with a job and yes, my very first
serious relationship! So yeah finally i did manage to woo a corporate
company with my average communication skills, poker face and a girl
with my below average personality and really bad sense of humour.
This part of my life was surely “HAPPINESS”. It was my time to
fall in love with 2 of the most unpredictable things, job and
relationship. I was taking the road which i never travelled before.
An
average guy like me who craved for love and attention all his life
goes crazy when he gets both the things at the same time. I
was falling in love deeply and madly with my job as well as my lady.
Both were quite similar to each other, both were “UNPREDICTABLE”,
and yes both wanted me to understand the situation. I never knew i
could work dilligently and meet my targets regularly, i was able to
earn more than what my counterparts were earning now and i was living
my dream of aquiring a hefty amount of money. However, everything
comes with a price and money is no different. Excess
of anything is bad, sometimes all you think is what if this wouldn’t
have happened. That constant stress and that unpredictable nature of
every thing.
Sometimes,
i feel as if when was the last time i saw a sunset standing in my
balcony with a cup of hot coffee. When was the last time i wrote
something, when was the last time i went out with my friends. When
was the last time i lived my life on my own terms. Fortunate are
those people who fall in love with anything, i was fortunate because
i fell in love not only with my job but also with someone special of
my life. However, love can be toxic too at times.
That
one person, whom you love a lot but can’t have
for your whole life. That one job which
makes you rich but then again you can’t have it for your whole
life. We often mistakenly misinterpret life
lessons for love. Not everything in your life is meant to stay, not
everything happens in the way you have planned. Not every person whom
you love can be with you when you are crying. Yes, they can give you
life lessons, they can give you memories, they can make you strong
and they can actually evolve you in a better person. The biggest
question is... is this pain and stress worth everything? Is this love
which turned toxic worth your time? The answer is...
“If
it made you smile and helped you in feeling special in a positive way
then yes it is worth everything”, Don’t expect anything in return
because expectations hurt when they are not met. Be brave enough to
let go of things when they are nearing their end. Yes, no one can
replace anyone but then again, that’s their beauty. Every dark
road, will scare you for the initial few minutes but then after some
time, that darkness will be the only source which will give you
solace. The brightest of lights were found only after darkest of
journeys... One must experience the toxicity of love in order to
understand the essense of life and people.
She
held my hand, there was a drop of tear trickling down her cheeks.
Probably she was trying to hold back her tears. “So is it the end
of everything?”, i was staring at the silent sea blankly, but now
there was a smile on my face. “Not really, i will
be coming back once i have fixed my career and inner demons, if you
can wait till then”, i didn’t look at her because i knew she
would never approve of this. There was silence between us. Probably
both of us were trying to consume this night in our memories, with a
hope that this incomplete story would be completed some day.
“I’ll
wait for you, and thanks for making me realise that even toxic love
can be beautiful...”, :)
